Theme Song: Four glorious music videos; see below.

Interesting Dated References: Tina Turner’s success. An attempt at creating a new music format (the video 45), which was ill-advised for a few reasons covered in the Social Context section.

Best Line: None. The best visual image however, is Tina Turner trying to act like a self-made woman who somehow had struggled to get where she is instead of what she actually did: sleeping with, then defaming the good name of Ike Turner.

Social Context: Why people were trying to come up with new music formats is a question that has one simple answer: Money. And so we get the ill-fated and ill-advised “Video 45.” Why was it so terrible? A few reasons, the first being kids were already getting videos for free from MTV. Yes, there was a cable bill, but that didn’t really factor in. The second reason is only bands on Sony’s music label roster had releases in this format and the results were just another example of how Sony fucked up the entire Betamax line. No lessons were learned here, though, because I recall that once buying DVDs became acceptable with the mass public, they tried this same thing yet again (I think it was around 2000). Of course, now that video downloads have become acceptable, it’s once again trying to catch on. And I’m sure they will try it again with Blu-Ray. Come on everybody, it’s Video 45 fever. Catch it!

Summary: After Tina Turner’s looks hit the wall, Ike Turner got rid of her. He did this because he was a good business man and very smart. Tina then hired herself a new manager and embarked on one of the most ridiculous smear campaigns ever, going so far as to base her entire solo career around her escape from Ike. Now those of us with some smarts knew exactly what was going on, but there’s no denying she somehow boosted her talentless self into superstardom. But really, it was all thanks to Ike.

As evidence of how little talent and taste Tina had, we have this Video 45, which starts out with “What’s Love Got To Do With It.” Not the terrible movie that needed to be named after a hit song in order to interest people to see it, but the actual video for the song. Now, I know you saw this video when you were growing up, but somehow I think you forgot about:

This guy. If you hadn’t forgotten about him, you’d be mentioning him more often at your shitty parties that you go to. And what’s up with those stupid parties anyway? Stop taking fucking pictures all the time. No one likes your photographs and we don’t think they are artistically framed and, really, how many pictures does one need of trees in the winter? Your life as you lived it was a complete waste and when you are gone you will have left no artistic contributions to the world. At best there will be photos of you in various places stored on various forms of media. Old friends will see these pictures and be fairly disgusted. You think you’re achieving so much, but even the people you are with now will leave you behind. Seriously, stop thinking so highly of yourself. And fuck whatever new hip borough/neighborhood you live in.

So anyway, that guy has some type of mohawk-mullet hybrid going on and he and his friends swarm around Tina as she walks the streets of New York. Perhaps she’s reenacting the time Ike discovered her. It is also very clear Tina is uncomfortable in the high heels she is wearing.

Then she walks the streets some more, forcing pastel-laden couples to make up with each other. Then the video ends. Back in the day this was the point you would get really excited thinking Weird Al’s Eat It video would come on, but every time it did, you were at your cousin’s place and he never wanted to watch it because he thought it was stupid.

The next video on the tape is for “Better Be Good To Me,” which is just some fake-ass concert footage and neon lights. No really, it’s boring as fuck, or at least it was until this white version of Ike Turner shows up on stage and pushes Tina around.

She gives him the what-for and then everyone mugs at the camera a bunch. Man, judging by the number of band members on stage, she thought she was fucking Bruce Springsteen or some shit. Next up is “Let’s Stay Together,” which is a cover of that other old song that was actually good. Here we see Tina doesn’t even have enough original material to fill up one Video 45. Big surprise. In fact, I bet she was wishing she hadn’t bad-mouthed Ike so much because she eliminated virtually her entire back catalog. This video also blows, and just features a ton of close-ups and ridiculously stupid 1980s set design.

The last selection (ha) is “Private Dancer.” Perhaps the only Turner song that still retains any pop culture relevance or humor. When I say humor, I mean you can name-drop it in front of a bunch of people with stupid senses of humor and they will laugh. Then they will say, “Oh I remember that, therefore it’s funny.” Then some girl will give you a shitty blowjob.

So Tina walks around a bunch of different rooms and a bunch of guys who look like 1980′s David Bowie try to woo her. Holy crap, I never realized how terrible these lyrics are. Never mind what I said about this song still being somewhat funny, I was wrong. Then there’s a sax solo. Oh great.

This fucking sax solo is the entire goddamn song. I really don’t remember this. Then the video ends.

Poster and Box Art: I have too much respect for you to waste your time like this.

Availability: Amazon (who recently lost an order of mine and claim they are going to replace it really fast and free of charge) has a few for as low as 14 cents!

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Posted on Friday, September 5th, 2008. Filed under Extremely Dated Musical Entertainment