Theme Song:

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“The Anus Song” by Chris Hollis.

Interesting Dated References: Blaming children for being the victims of sex abuse. Sitcom actors being famous.

Best Line: All.

Social Context: Yet another response to the rampant sexual abuse, child abductions, and child exploitation happening in the 80s. Via mediocre sitcom actors of the world.

Summary: A month or so ago, Henry Winkler came through a neighboring town promoting some new children’s book he had written. I was really tempted to take my copy of Strong Kids, Safe Kids to the bookstore to have him sign it, but as usual, I probably got depressed, drunk, or a combination of the two and totally forgot. Strong Kids, Safe Kids is one of those videos that would be an internet phenomenon if it were more widely available. People would reference it in instant messenger chats, emails, and there would be websites dedicated to it. Granted it has some presence on YouTube. But for some reason it has not broken through into the collective internet-inside-joke conscience.

Riding closely with a dozen other anti-kidnapping/sexual abuse tapes with famous actors, Strong Kids, Safe kids clearly rises way above. It’s ten times better than Mr.T’s Be Somebody, more confusing than Malcolm Jamal Warner’s Home Alone, and way more surreal than Gary Coleman’s For Safety’s Sake. Strong Kids, Safe Kids is much more than the sum of all those, and here’s why:

First off, the film opens with an announcement that the end of the tapes includes an extra half hour of blank tape for you to create a “video record” of your child. The logistics of families having a Betamax recordable camera in the mid-80s was highly unlikely and even if they did, the odds of them figuring out how to bypass the “non-recordable” tab on this commercially manufactured tape were damn near impossible. But nonetheless, the offer was made in order to garner the tape another selling point. So as the feature starts, we see Henry Winkler doing a really bad The Fonz impression where he introduces his friend Henry Winkler.

Then the camera flashes to a lavender-sweater-wearing Winkler addressing a crowd of children. I guess the makers were assuming children ages 2-5 would be familiar with The Fonz and instantly accept his creepy real life persona. Winkler addresses the crowd and parents and says he is here to prevent “sexual abuse and abduction.” Then wacky sound effects flash back to Fonz who downplays the lecture and tries to make it seem fun. Then Winkler introduces the people who will be talking to the kids. They jump right to some 80s chick who talks about her social work with sexually abused children. We also meet Saul Gordon:

You make the judgment call on his creepy factor. Then it happens; they introduce us to Chris Hollis, the creepy musician guy who makes songs about child sex abuse that put The Frogs first album to shame.

Oh, and to top it all off, we are introduced to some out-of-work actress named Mariette Heartly, and you guessed it, fucking Papa Smurf. That’s right, fucking Papa Smurf is going to teach you about sexual abuse. I feel like I’m in art school and I just took a bunch of acid, except now I’m just smothered in credit card debt and drunk and alone in my basement. Trip fucking balls. So at this point you probably think I’m making shit up. And just when it couldn’t get anymore awkward:

Yes, as he says it, “Me, too! John Ritter!,” who is followed by Yogi Bear. This is actually starting to seem like some type of bizarre community service project for actors with D.U.I.’s. So after this all-star cast is introduced, the program starts.

The first segment, entitled “The Kid Who Never Talked,” in which a pastel-laden 80s chick tells us we need to tell grown-ups about certain things. Then it moves on to the second part, “The Great Divide,” in which Saul Gordon tells us to listen to our children and stop blaming them when they get abused. Yes, I’m serious, he tells us not to blame the children for being sexy or whatever. Obviously, this is the only appearance of this school of thought. I’d never heard of it before, and it had to be terrible for PR. Man alive. Seriously, can you imagine a time when they had to coach parents to not blame kids when they get abused? Jesus, everyone was doing a lot of coke back then. I’m surprised most of us who grew up back then are even alive today. So then we learn some rules:




For the record, they constantly refer to the vagina as the vulva in this movie. After these eight or so rules, fucking Pac Man shows up and literally eats the screen. Madness. So then the out-of-work TV actress addresses how to talk to your kids about different kinds of touching, including, “They wouldn’t understand,” and “I’m embarrassed.” I have to get another cocktail.

Welcome to the next section called: Down There in Front. During this section, through colorful type-treatment, we learn such words as “Ding Ding,” “Tally Whacker,” and “Tee Tee.” Sure, whatever, we’ll all go along with that. But then it really happens. I mean it really happens. I’m talking shit going way over the line here. Remember the singing minstrel I mention? Well yeah, his name is Chris Hollis, and he looks like some type of perverted railroad engineer:

And he proceeds to sing what I have deemed the “Theme Song” which is linked above in the “Theme Song” section. Please listen. Take it all in. I’m not even going to try to justify or explain the song, it speaks for itself. I mean, I’m a simple man, but this is far beyond anything I’ve ever seen. So yeah, then they go into more shit about how to talk to kids about sexual abuse with our good friends Papa Smurf, Saul, and the pastel-clad lady who keeps changing her outfits. There is all kinds of talk about communication and bridge-building. I’m just kind of glad there are no more anus songs. Then there’s one of those super-intrusive sections where they demand you pause the tape and talk to your kids about sexual abuse. Can you imagine how uncomfortable this is? I even obliged and paused the tape. I looked around and there was no one here to talk to, so I made another cocktail.

So then the minstrel is back, singing a song about the three kinds of touches, which are laid out as such: “A heart, a question mark, and no.” The heart touch is love, the question mark is one that escalates into no, and the no is a no. In my adult dating life, I seem to have mastered the last two, with a special focus on the middle one that slowly escalates into “no.” I’m hoping I can master the first. We’ll see. Then a bunch of day camp kids sing this song:

I’m so confused. The Smurfs come out and tell you to say, “No, Go, Tell.” Then the pastel lady explains the difference between sexual touching and a normal, good, asshole-scrubbing by your mom in the bathtub. Then John Ritter is back. Thank God. I find him so comforting. I’m sad he’s dead. Then he disappears again and Scooby Doo appears and shows us how to tell a ghost, “No!” Then The Fonz singles out some kid named Paul:

Paul is rolling hard on a Nash skateboard right next to a Datsun pick up truck. Fonz demands he say, “No,” to his offers. Yes, The Fonz forces him to reject his Fonz-like offers.

The next section is called “About Secrets.” It addresses the whole thing where adults force children to keep secrets. I think that was a mid-80s technique used by pederasts that pre-dates the modern day technique of abduction and forcing children into crawlspaces. Then there’s some more coaching for kids to “tell.” Some more John Ritter, some more Smurfs, and some more songs that aren’t so good by that one guy. Oh, and The Fonz and Baby Pac-Man have a conversation. Seriously. Then Winkler changes his sweater.

Then The Fonz references Pocket Simon as a “pocket video game.” That’s a pretty good stretch.

Holy fuck. So when I was in like 4th grade, I started hearing all this talk about “The Honk,” which was supposed to be some new universal signal for “Hey, this guy is about to abduct me and rape me.” It was like a low belly moan and was implicated because the sound of children screaming was so prevalent on the playground. I don’t know who the fuck came up with it, but it was a terrible idea. First of all kids can’t make low moaning sounds, and secondly, we all started immediately making fun of it. Well guess what, this tape has a whole section on how to make the moaning sound. They call it “The Honk.” They clarify to never use it while playing. It was kind of like a derivative of Hacksaw Jim Duggan’s howl. Obviously, it never took off because people just thought we were big fans of Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Thank god, it’s time for the wrap up, in which they clarify kids should, “Tell, Talk, and Honk.” They also clarify it wasn’t your fault. Then a bunch more kids shout, “No!,” at the camera, Fred Flintstone shows up, and John Ritter does the rundown of things predators do to get kids into cars, including offering candy, promising puppies, and the whole, “Your mom is sick” thing.

I love and miss John Ritter, I even forgive him for Problem Child and that shitty movie where those kids get stuck in television land or whatever. If I was more energetic I would look up the title so you would know what the fuck I’m talking about. Then they tell parents to under-react and to never accuse. Sorry, I thought that was common sense. They reinforce this by having the minstrel tell the kids “they are never to blame, even if it felt good.” Man, I feel creepy. I need a wife. Then the all-star cast bids everyone farewell, including Ritter, Winkler, and The Fonz.

Poster and Box Art: Nothing much going on here. Nice weather out today wasn’t it? I sure hope it’s not too long of a winter. Last year was pretty rough, do you know what the Farmers Almanac is calling for this year?

Availability: If you’re smart you will track down a used VHS and throw it into the nearest time capsule you can find.

Posted by srock on Tuesday, October 30th, 2007 at 9:10 am. Filed under Awkward 80s Instructional Tapes, Standard-Lowering Children's Entertainment