Theme Song:

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“Streetwalkin’,” written by Matthew Ender & Odette Springer and performed by Sylvia St. James. As if it would take two people to write this shit song.

Interesting Dated References: Teen prostitutes being easy to find. Man, this is my second review in a few months or so that takes place in New York and focuses on teen prostitution. Any of you guys over there with your stupid haircuts and lame t-shirts want to explain something to us here in the Midwest? Are we missing out on something? Is that why you really moved there? That whole “club DJ with a shitty beard” was just a farce, wasn’t it?

Best Line: Said by john — “I’ve got a hard-on.” Said by hooker in retort — “Nigga, you better go get your friend to sit on it.”

Social Context: Again, the whole teen prostitution thing I just wrote about above. Apparently it was epidemic if they made multiple movies about it. But I’ve asked around, and other then getting really nervous and shifty, no one seems to know anything about it.

Summary: Can you believe the box for this reads, “Take a rock-hard walk on the wild side with Streetwalkin’.” What the fuck does that even mean? Are they trying to say “hard” as in the streets are hard? You know, the concrete jungle-type hard? It’s throwing in the word “rock” that is confusing me. Usually “rock-hard” is reserved for stuff like Craigslist and various movies you watch every single night after you get home from work. Also, don’t you think masturbating immediately after you eat dinner is going to give you some type of food/sex association issue? People invite you out to eat all the time and you always decline so you can go home and do this eating/porn routine. I just think it’s very unhealthy, that’s the only reason I bring it up.

Streetwalkin’ opens in the subways of New York with pimp Duke (the dad from Pet Cemetery) talking to the crying young Cookie (Melissa Leo, which probably doesn’t mean anything to you unless you watch Homicide: Life on The Streets, in which case you are my mom and should stop reading my website because you don’t like it when I talk about “sex stuff”). Before you know it, Cookie is a regular whore; Duke her abusive pimp. You’d think I’d have a fucking picture in the review by now.

I’m curious about this authentic “New York City Rap” poster that appears to have a bunch of band logos beneath the title.

So Duke beats up this other whore and that gets Cookie upset, but then she realizes men are always right and it’s okay if they hit you.

Later, Duke goes to an all-black strip club and orders a double Scotch and talks to that weird guy from Ally McBeal. At that same club, the guy who was Huggy Bear plays a pimp and yells at his ladies. Did I mention the entire fucking movie has been filmed at night? There’s jack shit to take pictures of.

It was also supposed to be a big deal that Julie Newmar plays the queen pimp in the movie, but really, who cares. At some point Duke gets abducted by another pimp and they have a really poorly choreographed fight. After that, he trashes the apartment he and Cookie live in. Does any of this seem interesting? It’s like this movie skipped the entire build-up part that makes you care about the characters and just jumped into the drama. Too much 80s and not enough 70s. Hookers? Teens? New York? Prostitution? This entry should have a picture every other sentence, but somehow it’s just not happening.

So Duke gets a gun and goes to shoot Cookie because she’s trying to see another pimp. Duke reminds me of me in three weeks because he thinks a gun will solve all his problems. Then he gets in another badly choreographed fight. I’m not even wasted, there’s just nothing to take pictures of! I swear!

While Duke searches for Cookie, she and another hooker do some kinky domination thing with a john. For the record:

Those are the same Return of The Jedi curtains with which I had the accompanying bed linens. Well, I had the sheets, but I didn’t have the pillow cases. When our house was burgled in 1984, they used the pillow cases to steal all of my dads Betamax tapes. They didn’t take the player, though, which happens to be the same player I’m using right now. Talk about full fucking circle.

So, Duke continues on his barely interesting search for Cookie. He has the Ally McBeal guy in tow and proceeds to kill Huggy Bear. Meanwhile, all the hookers are playing poker with Cookie and her younger brother and drinking Jack Daniels and Heineken. You know what I think about people who drink Jack Daniels and Heineken? I think they have real bad bowel movements and shitty taste in music. Duke and Ally McBeal show up at the poker game and get all violent, but none of us care because the entire movie is really boring. At some point Julie Newmar shoots Duke like 34 times because he was beating on Cookie. Then Cookie shoots him for real and the movie fucking ends. Jesus. All the elements for a good story, but not enough development to make anyone care.

Poster and Box Art: For the record, I just want to state that 1986 was the year they finally figured out how to use quotes on modern day movie boxes/cases. I’ve never seen this occur before 1985/1986. I have yet to pinpoint what movie made it standard, but I’m sure you recognize the “big quotes” style of promotion used on the back of this box.

When did we start caring what these people thought of movies? Before this you rented a movie based on the story, cover, actors, word of mouth, etc. It’s as if at some point around 1985 everyone said “Fuck it, we don’t know shit, let’s put these giant quotes on here, that will tell everyone what to rent.” And guess what, this is right around the point that being a piece of shit P.R. person started to become a career choice. The world sucks now.

Availability: Used VHS.

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Posted on Monday, November 23rd, 2009. Filed under Dangerous Kids, Lifetime Movie Network, Recently Reviewed