THE BEST LEGS IN 8TH GRADE (1984)
Theme Song: No.
Interesting Dated References: Being really into Nautilus.
Best Line: “It’s not you, it’s me.”
Social Context: A bunch of 80s cocaine-induced soul searching relationship talk that has no relevance in today’s society. In fact, I bet there was some chick that blew the guy that wrote this because it was “really deep.”
Summary: What the fuck has my life been reduced to? I spent the entire goddamn weekend in a coma, yet all I could think about all weekend was how relaxing it would be to sit and review some Betamax on Monday night. Then what the fuck do I pull out but The Best Legs In 8th Grade. My life is a sham and I am a big fucking fraud. I hope I die soon. Tim Matheson, that guy from all those movies, stars in what is obviously a filmed play on a shitty sitcom sound stage. This is called a teleplay and they were all the rage in the 80s. Originally they were designed to be acting showcases for famous stars, but soon enough they were reduced to shitty one-off sitcoms. Why the fuck this was even released on tape is a mystery. It was literally filmed with your dad’s first camcorder. Oh, and Jim Belushi plays some type of biker-cupid-saint. Totally-fucking-80s. Matheson is a down-on-his-love lawyer who is apparently in the middle of fucking up a relationship.
After going to bed in his one-bedroom sound stage apartment, he is awakened by Belushi, who convinces him to remedy things with a new date he was trying to go on. The entire fucking scene is filmed like, acted like, and edited like a goddamn sitcom. There are tons of bad 80s references and the actors go back and forth. Some people would call this a “tour de force” performance, but actually it’s like watching a shitty impromptu acting class at some liberal arts college. Jesus Christ, I feel like I’m watching an episode of Three’s A Crowd….
Then an 80s-looking hot chick shows up and things turn even further into a fucking sitcom. The “movie” flashes forward three years later and takes place on yet another sound stage, this one looking like a gym. Man, I feel like I’ve seem all these sets before. In fact, I’m willing to bet I’ve seen them all before in various 80s sitcoms.
So, Matheson is working out in shorts and sees a girl he recognizes. After hawking her non-stop, his real girlfriend Rachel shows up. She is frumpy and not all-fucking-80s-hot in a leotard like the hot chick. Matheson brushes off his lady and proceeds to stalk and harass the hot chick. Eventually they realize they went to the same high school or some shit. Jesus. The dialogue is like a fucking bad play with shitty editing. Dude, I’m about to fucking delete this blog. I hate myself and these stupid films I’ve decided to watch.
So the two agree to go out on a date, despite the fact the superficial hot lady has no recollection of Matheson in high school, and he slowly reveals he was stalking her non-fucking-stop. Then Matheson’s actual girlfriend shows back up and overhears the plans for a date. She throws a fit because she is a woman. Then a bunch more shitty acting takes place. This movie is actually making me pretty nostalgic for mid-80s television. I’m starting to feel like a kid watching T.V. in the summer, but that might just be because I have a boner. So then Matheson and his girlfriend fight about yuppie things and chronic dissatisfaction. There’s actually a fair bit of drama, but it’s overruled by this fucking set and this shitty video film stock.
The alleged climax comes when Matheson and his real girlfriend agree to end the relationship. The girlfriend delivers hilariously unrealistic lines of dialogue that I wish I could inspire someone to say. Instead, I just inspire girls to not call me anymore. Matheson then has another conversation with the hot chick from high school and slowly starts to realize she is still fixated on high school and living in the past. So he breaks the date they made 20 minutes previous. This is apparently really upsetting to the hot chick, who gets mildly upset. Then Matheson makes up with his real girlfriend, who is actually slightly hotter in that normal girl kind of way. This is kind of bizarre because now he’s pleading to get back together and acting like his on-the-fly decision to try to fingerblast the old high school friend is no big deal. Then they kiss and leave and Jim Belushi is cleaning up the gym.
Did I mention this movie was 45 minutes? Oh, and how about how fucking disturbing the title is? I mean, how the fuck were they going to market this?
Poster and Box Art: Yeah. Airbrushing rules. 80s logo-type treatments rule. All that punk shit sucks. Circle of shit.
Availability: As always, used VHS on ebay. I dare you to buy this.