“The only time I stay in one place this long is when I’m in bed with a chick, or just sleeping.” 

The government finds some type of substance on Mars, and a bunch of lab scientists determine it is dangerous to the human race. Someone makes the wise decision to ship the substance via train to Denver, Colorado, with only a single guard. A bumbling train worker contaminates himself which results in a quarantine of the train station. Very well done psychological, 70s trashy B-grade effort full of great character actors and aesthetics.

Five wealthy doctors (each in the middle of a moral/workplace crisis) all go on vacation together. They are stalked, killed, and stung by bees. A lot of people like to say this movie is good, or even a “Canadian version of Deliverance.” These people are fucking worthless piles of shit. The movie does everything it can to disengage the audience, and let’s not overlook the fact that it’s boring. Boring medical talk goes on and on until only Hal Holbrook is alive.

A late entry into the disaster/animal attack genre of the mid-70s features many of the same actors and staff from Grizzly, including husband & wife duo Christopher and Lynda Day George. Filled to the brim with ridiculous characterizations, absurd animal attacks, and a shirtless, power-crazed Leslie Nielsen. Day of The Animals tries to legitimize itself by justifying ozone depletion as the reason the animals attack, but in actuality this is pure 70s sensationalism.

The movie-going public had an insatiable appetite for teen boob sex comedies in the late 70s and early 80s. The Beach Girls introduces us to shy-gal Sarah and her two party-girl friends, Ginger and Ducky. Sarah is staying at her uncle’s beach house for the summer and invites her boy-crazy friends along. Then there is a big party and everyone smokes a bunch of weed. It sounds a lot like when you went to college except people get laid in this movie.

Yet another mid-80s exploitation flick focusing on teen prostitution. Most of this cast went on to have fairly successful careers. The problem is the movie skipped the entire build-up part that makes you care about the characters and jumped into the drama. Too much 80s and not enough 70s. Hookers? Teens? New York? Prostitution? This entry should be really exciting, but somehow it’s just not happening. Lots of guns, pimps, and fights all via 1985.

Yet another 1980s post-Woody Allen romantic comedy. Dick and his wife decide to take separate vacations because they are tired of their normal boring lives. By then end, both fail and wind up back together and happy. Holy fucking just-1985-everywhere, man. Datsuns, wood grain kitchens with red and orange tile, buildings with weird angles, houses with weird doors, frumpy potato sack pants on women, pastels. Everything in this movie is 1985. It’s like a time capsule of shitty aesthetic choices.

Yet another book from the 70s made into a misguided movie. Lauren Bacall stars as a really famous old actress who is being stalked by a deranged fan. Released only a few months after John Lennon was shot, I suppose America considered The Fan in poor taste. It was merely a coincidence, but still, it probably didn’t help. It also doesn’t help that The Fan isn’t all that great to begin with.

In Los Angeles in the 80s, a lot of scripts were written about relationships which were penned by people high on cocaine. This is yet another one of those movies. Peter Coyote stars as a struggling artist having relationship problems. His friend Eli is also having relationship problems. So Arthur and Eli pal around, have a threesome, play racquetball, get into a fist fight, and fall for the same chick. Interspersed in all of that is lots of existential 80s California talk and shitty Tangerine Dream soundtrack.

In 1983, the Canadian makers of Pinball Summer were trying to market their 1979 pinball movie in America. They decided that since pinball had fallen out of favor to video games, they should change the name of their movie to Pick-Up Summer, despite the fact that the main theme song still says “pinball summer” over and over. Typical late 70s boob-comedy with lots of Canadian 1979 tits and ass being flashed about.

Scarred was some type of student film that got a grant, a budget, and a theatrical release. The director, Rose-Marie Turko, didn’t do much else after this. Scarred follows the life of Ruby the teenage prostitute as she turns tricks, visits her kid, tries porno, gets beat up, gets evicted, tires to be a lesbian, and enroll in art school. The subject matter is here for a good movie, but it’s really boring. Views like a Lifetime Movie Network film written by Paul Schrader in his hey-day and directed by John Cassavetes.