A Week Off (2008)
Just this week, I swear. There’s some stuff going on (music) that’s interfering a bit this weekend, resulting in no Betamax. Back next week.
WILD RIDERS (1971)
Theme Song: He’s My Family by Arell Blanton who also happens to be playing the main guy Pete in this movie. It doesn’t look like much else came of his music career.
Interesting Dated References: Motorcycles being cool instead of for douchebags, people grasping at straws to be liked, and familial failures aged 35-55 like they are now. Motorcycle sub-cultre being for the destitute and vagabonds instead of brand-slaves who like shitty music and paying $30 extra for things with logos on them.
Best Line: Said by cunning woman “I thought motorcycles were air cooled?” Reply by man “They are, but I’m not.” Later said from one guy to another “Okay dude, now we’re going to get it on.”
Social Context: There really is some type of odd older brother-younger brother protection thing going on here. Especially when you factor in the theme song montage at the beginning of the movie. None of this has any social context, I just had no other place to talk about it. it’s not really homoerotic or anything, it’s just never justified. These two hoods have some deep bond and no one takes any steps to clarify why. Somewhere during the writing of the movie some guy was probably like “Hey we should write some type of killing thing about dudes in a nice house killing people like that Manson guy story that’s been in the news.”
Summary: I was really expecting this print to look like shit but for whatever reason it’s a very clean print. That doesn’t mean this is going to be a good movie, it just means the viewing experience will be pleasant (assuming I start drinking soon). Wild Riders opens with shots of a biker gang gathered around watching as two guys nail a girl to a tree. The ringleader here is a guy named Pete and he has some type of henchman guy named Stick (Alex Rocco of Godfather fame). The biker gang appears to be enthusiastic about what is going on. As usual with expoitation biker movies of the early 70s, the camera work is horrendous.
The next day the Rick Rubin-esque real gang leader tells Pete and Stick they have to leave because the “old ladies” weren’t cool with what they did. Who is that Rick Rubin-esque gang leader you ask? Why, it’s real life Dirty Denny. That’s right! Actually, no one knows how Dirt Denny is. There’s no online fine site, there’s not short documentary, nothing. Shit I didn’t even know who he was until I was looking at this movie. It turns out Dirty Denny was in most, if not all, of the biker exploitation movies of the 70s. Seriously, yet no one has ever singled him out as a great character actor or unsung hero of the biker genre. Seeing as I have bunch of his films in my collection, let this be the birthplace of Dirty Denny fandom. My best guess is that he was a dope supplier to movie sets and wound up taking on some roles, but more on that later in my forthcoming Dirty Denny documentary currently entitled A Life Less Lived on The Edge of A Dream. Anyway, back to the action. It turns out that Pete was nailing his old lady to a tree because she had sex with the lone black guy in the gang, who he then gets in hilariously choreographed fight with.
I’m not being funny because I’m tired and I’m feeling a little rushed these days. Did you know it’s the middle of the month and I still haven’t paid my mortgage? Did you know that Countrywide Financial still has not been able to locate my mortgage payment from March which they cashed and then did not credit my account for? That issue’s been eating up a lot of quality betamax watching time that’s for goddamn sure. Hold on one second. Okay, I got a delicious cocktail, let’s roll. Get it? September 11th, remember, last week?!?
After Peter and Stick get on their bikes and leave the fucking squares who don’t support nailing women to trees, the opening credits and theme song start. Check it out above if you haven’t already. It’s a real treat. Then there’s a bunch of montage footage where it’s fairly obvious that Stick isn’t riding his bike since all the close-ups of him on it look like this:
Then Pete watches Stick (or his stunt double at least) ride his bike in the sand very longingly. After that it’s night time and our heros go to a gas station where a bunch of silly slapstick music is employed as Stick makes faces at a young boy and Pete oggles a teenage girl as he holds an air hose. No really. The next day they harass some other people and then use a giant telescope to spot a house where chicks are.
Pete looks like James Taylor trying to be a biker and Stick looks like those hobo statuettes your grandma used to have everywhere before Jesus took her from you. Fucking Alex Rocco looks ridiculously scummy. I’d care more that he played Moe Greene in The Godfather if I’d ever actually seen that movie.
So Stick isn’t having any luck with the one chick but Pete seems to be doing pretty well with the other one. The one chick then convinces the other one that they should bang these dudes which is apparently something chicks did with random dudes before everyone had HPV and Herpes. Now they just do it and act like they didn’t.
Pete and ugly chick with a perm head out to the pool house which is also her husbands practice studio because he is a cellist. They proceed to make love while back in the house Stick proceeds to throw around the good looking chick for like ten minutes then he rapes her.
It must have taken him well over 10 minutes to get around her large underwear. Oh and the director attempts an artistic statement about love amongst the free love generation by switching back and forth between the rape and the lovemaking of the other couple.
After Pete finds out about the rape he and Stick decide to go ballistic and hold the girls hostage. They play some type of court game with the ladies and there’s more weird wrestling and ridiculous monologues. Then Pete goes to hang out with some other bikers to try to sell some “hot art merch” that he is stealing from the house. After that he has some type of bike chase with one of his ex-gang friends. Then it’s back to the house where he and Stick break more shit and get money from the chicks.
Oh, and the neighbor Perry (who has perfect finger waves) calls the house to make sure everything is alright. Jesus christ, this movie is padded to fuck. Pete goes to some antique dealer in the middle of the night to try to sell more of the stolen shit from the house. Stick falls asleep, the girls try to escape but Pete shows back up just in time to throw them around some more. Bland monologues, some other weird bike scene, and then I start to realize why some movies remain obscure despite the fact that they sounds somewhat interesting in their plot summary.
Fuck man, so Pete takes the one chick off on a bike ride and they make love in a field. Seriously, in the middle of all this. Then the neighbor with the finger waves shows up, they semi-kill him, then Pete goes and kills the antique dealer and takes his money. I’m skipping over the fact that it’s switching from day to night to dawn to dusk all over the fucking place. So much so that you won’t even notice because you’re never sure of what time it is. So then Stick gets manipulated into hating Pete by the ladies, the cellist husband shows up at the house, Stick and Pete get in a fight and scream “I love you” a lot at each other, Pete makes the husband play the cello, and then yes…
Pete gets stabbed in the head with the bow of the cello and Stick gets stabbed with the base of the cello. I give up.
Poster and Box Art: Judgiing by this Betamax box, I was certain this movie was going to be a Mexican/South American romance movie from the 80s. I know you’ve never been to a Mexican video store because you’re a racist, but if you ever walk into one there are tons of similar looking boxes for various Spanish language movies of the late 80s/ early 90s. Point being, these slightly off, anotamically correct type of colored pencil drawings are a favorite of mine. What’s up with weird boob/arm just to the right of the biker guys head? What about her shortened torso and elongated shoulder/neck area? And a more subtle defect: No one depicted on the cover is in the movie.
Wild Riders also has an old 70s poster that most people would see and think was for some cool movie, but it isn’t. From a marketing standpoint though, a success.
Availability: It’s available on one of those double pack DVDs. And this is surprising, apparently it’s a nice cleaned-up version and it’s even presented in widescreen! Usually these value pack DVDs look like they were recorded from VHS copies, so this is a pleasant surprise. I am reluctantly recommending this for fans of retarded movies that operate on no budget, and those who are in college and smoke pot and claim to chicks that they like “weird movies you’ve never heard of.” You’re a fucking loser, but this one may add to your credibility. Oh, I would also recommend this for fans of Alex Rocco, as his performance is good, considering what he was working with.
WILD RIDES (1982)
Theme Song: There’s like seven or eight videos on this tape, see below.
Interesting Dated References: People having carefree fun outside and not constantly making fun of other people while in public. Enjoying yourself, not drinking. Matt Dillon saying “Ummm…” a lot. I always used to wonder why Matt Dillon was so reluctant to loosen up and talk on his episode of Fishing With John. I think I know why now. It’s because his youth was spent being taken advantage of on camera for shit like this.
Best Line: “Ummmmm…” said 45 times by Matt Dillon. I know he was still a young actor and all, but it seems like with each segment he only did a single take. There’s a few points where he totally jumbles words and the director didn’t even see fit to fix it.
Social Context: I don’t know. Really? I mean, I guess it harkens back to a time when we used to try to entertain our children with actual physical activities instead of television and video games, but really no one misses it, so who cares.
Summary: I was never allowed to spend much time in the Special Interest section of the video stores back in the day. As you may well remember that section was usually reserved for nature/space shit your grandpa was always trying to rent, and softcore/swimsuit/lingirie videos your grandpa was always trying to rent. it just wasn’t a place where kids hung out. But I guess it turns out (according to the label on this Betamax box) that the Special Interest thing may have held a few interesting videos for kids. Most of them are confusing messes and it’s bewildering to consider how they even got made, or how they even got pitched. I actually was able to travel back in time and find the notes made by the producer of Wild Rides before he pitched the idea to the executives:
That seems to be the exact strategy and rationale of the producers and writes of this special. I’m almost certain of it. Nowadays if they did something similar with Brad Renfro they wouldn’t even release it onto dvd, it would just be some Travel Channel special or something. And then get this, imagine my surprise when I discovered that not only has Wild Rides remained relevant, but there’s an entire legion of roller coaster enthusiasts who watch the movie religiously and point to it as an example of footage of rollercoasters during the golden days of this modern era? No, fucking seriously, they do. They fucking chat about it on messageboards and shit. I was going to make youtube clips of some shit, but aside from the awesome graphic intro, and a few isolated monologue segments, every major section had already been uploaded by people with youtube handles like “rcoastenthusiast” and “corkcscrewtom.” What the fuck is wrong with people?
So the intro graphics are a good example of how to do things right in 1981. Guitar licks, swoosh sounds, flashing lights, Dave Mason, etc.
These are followed by Matt Dillon’s awesome intro. By awesome I mean confusing and not good. Then the first segment beings and I realize what exactly this video is. It consists of several different music videos each with stupid actors doing stupid shit over stupid music and different rollercoasters. I have zero interest in this, even for the sake of being ironic. But I guess there may be some people out there interested in seeing these “coasters” in action, so I guess I’ll seriously talk about them to the best of my ability. Fuck you, I’m not going to embed youtube video for each segment in this review. That would be annoying and take way too fucking long. Follow the clip above to youtube and take a look at the related clips if you’re that fucking interested. And if you’re that interested in it, aren’t you on the wrong blog anyway, shouldn’t you be on some amusement park messageboard instead?
Our first coaster is The Colossus at Six Flags Magic Mountain. The video is for “You” by The 80s Who. The video story seems to be some chick forcing some dude to prove his masculinity by riding the thing.
The guy and chick are played by real human beings who act like they are having fun. They ride the coaster and cheer a lot. The dude makes the chick gets off and he rides the coaster all night and then it ends.
The next segment is The Great American Scream Machine at Six Flags Over Georgia. The video is for some terrible synthesizer song called “Nothing To Fear” by Dave Mason. The video story is some obese creepy worker guy running around scaring children at night. Then he gets on the ride and becomes everyones friend. This one is particularly ridiculous, so much so I didn’t take a picture.
Next up we go to Circus World in Haines City Florida and ride some rollercoaster I didn’t catch the name of. Oh great, Steve Miller Band’s “Livin’ In The USA.” I hate that fucking band by the way. So once again some other couple gets on the fucking ride and acts like they are having fun.
You remember those old Wrigley’s Doublemint and Big Red commercials? That’s exactly what these fucking segments are like, except with less twins and more Steve Miller Band. I remember once this exgirlfriend of mine had this shitty Steve Miller band greatest hits cd (like that’s even possible) and she used to play it all the fucking time and finally I’d had enough and she goes “I thought you liked classic rock and all that 70s music.” I almost fucking hit her (again). Can you believe that shit? How would you even group that shitty fucking band in with great rock of the 70s?
So the next segment gives a history of the rollercoaster and features that instrumental track “East St. Louis Todle-Oo” off of Pretzel Logic (by Steely Dan for those not in the know). it makes no sense and is stupid. I’m still salty about the Steve Miller Band greatest Hits cd thing. Then we’re off to The Mindbender at Six Flags over Georgia. The stupid video is for “Don’t Cha Stop” by The Cars. It features some guy acting like he’s riding some coaster in a marathon and it’s stupid.
Our last clip, for some reason features Fire by Jimi Hendrix. It takes place at The Texas Cyclone of Astroworld in Houston Texas. I think it’s called Astroworld. Dillons dialogue is so mush-mouthed that it’s hard to make sense of it.
The premise here seems to be a bunch of hessians getting married on the coaster. After it’s over, the special interest video closes with Matt Dillon telling us he’ll see us “online” which meant standing around in 1981, not cyberspace like it does now.
Poster and Box Art: Come on, it’s that standard Warner Brothers box you’ve seen a million times.
Availability: There are used VHS copies available on Amazon, but it appears that all the roller coaster enthusiasts are jacking the prices up, so you’d better act fast.
IT’S ALIVE (1973)
Theme Song: Listen Mr. dead Bernard Hermann, just because you did the soundtrack for Citizen Kane, Psycho, and several other significant Hitchcock scores, including doing experimental audio, such as those crazy bird screams in The Birds, that doesn’t mean you can phone it in for the last few years of your career. I know you were a pioneer of using the theremin and used it so successfully in The Day the Earth Stood Still that theremin was forever stuck with the tag of being the stock “creepy sci-fi” music, but you can’t just run around accepting jobs when you know your health is failing. What am I getting at here people? Bernard Hermann was an excellent and influential composer, but his last works (It’s Alive, Taxi Driver, It Lives Again) are big piles of shit. Granted in Taxi Driver the decision to have a sociopath driving around the city to the strains of semi-experimental jazz is still an interesting decision, but that soundtrack blows. I don’t care if you like it. I don’t and mine is the only opinion that matters. And guess what? The soundtrack for It’s Alive, completed shortly before Taxi Driver sounds exactly the same. In fact I would go so far as to call this soundtrack Taxi Driver demos.
Interesting Dated References: Carpeted bathrooms, things being the color of several crayons they no longer make (see review), having a separate refrigerator and freezer standing side by side in a room off the kitchen.
Best Line: “People without children don’t realize how lucky they are.”
Social Context: There was an attempt to throw in shit about what has potentially caused the baby (pills & medication). Don’t worry though, not much time is spent analyzing why society is driven to look for cures in a pill, instead poor dialogue, weed-induced camera angles and colors like Burnt Umber eat up most of the screen time.
Summary: As much as I hate shitty horror movies from the 80s that are cheesy and try to throw in sociopolitical commentary (all Troma movies), there’s something a bit more charming about movies from the 70s that follow similar formula. Writer/Director Larry Cohen found a formula early on and has pretty much stuck with it his entire career: B-grade movies made on the cheap featuring bad acting and annoyingly apparent sociopolitical undertones. In the case of It Lives, this formula is met exactly: A mother who took too many meds births a crazy mutant/demon that goes ape-shit on the town.
Now that’s some fucking wallpaper. Fucking raw sienna, burnt umber, mustard yellow. All those fucking crayons you miss from when you were in kindergarten are represented in that wallpaper. Those colors are more bleak than the successful acting prospects of the kid in the bed.
So, right away we meet our expectant parents and their other normal kid. The mother feels birth pangs and they all head off to the hospital, but not before dropping the normal kid off with a guy standing in the street in his robe at dawn.
At the hospital, the mother gets tied down and the father goes to the waiting lounge to smoke with other men. Back in the delivery room, a really calm doctor coaxes the baby out of the womb, while all the while the mom is screaming about something being wrong. The baby comes out and kills everyone in the delivery room except the mom. Then there’s a bunch of disorienting music and even more disorienting “I’m so high right now” tracking camera shots as the father rushes in.
Really red blood, a bunch of dead doctors, and no baby. Later on, police and doctors speculate someone stole the baby, or the mother was all doped up with radiation and made some type of animal-freak thing.
While driving home from the hospital, the father hears his name announced on the radio as the father of a possible freak-mutant thing that killed people. Oh yeah, the dad’s name is Frank Davis. So now everyone knows and Frank’s personal life is fucked.
This includes being given some time off from his job in a yellow and blue office. I tell you, for some type of killer-mutant thing being on the loose, everyone is pretty fucking calm. Frank then lies to his wife and tells her he took a vacation. She doesn’t even ask any questions. One time I got fired and I lied to my dad and tried to convince him that I was on vacation. He was all up in my shit for weeks, man. Finally he called the print shop and asked them and he then proceeded to “drop me like shit from a tall horse.”
So things go on, people keep calmly and causally talking about the mutant, killer baby, police keep finding dead bodies killed by the mutant, killer baby, and everyone keeps interjecting sociopolitical commentary about what created the baby.
Can we talk about a few things here? First off, this is the older, normal son who is still visiting with the guy who was wearing the robe. They seem to be going fishing together. But what’s with that ass slap at the end? No really, that’s not just some funny “hey it’s the 70s” ass slap like your Uncle Carl used to give you. That’s a full-hand-JO-buddy cheek grab. More importantly, what’s with the roll-down window on the back of the fucking station wagon? Is that how it used to be back in the day? Anyone could walk up to your car, open the window, and put stuff in it?
Fucking yellow ocher. Remember that crayon? That was my favorite shit. Okay, so the doctors get the dad to sign some papers saying they can test the mutant-baby once they catch it. They also infer that mother isn’t taking all her pills and she makes really subtle comments about how it was “the pills that caused all this.” And the baby kills a milkman.
Eventually the mutant kid is cornered at a school. Frank and the police are all there …
… as well as some vintage blow-ups of The Letter People. I swear to god in first grade we were watching an Alphabet People video and the Letter D said “I have to go D as in dookie.” I swear to god, even my teacher got offended. I’ve never been able to verify this though, but that’s how I remember it. The baby kills a cop or two and escapes, finally making it to the Davis home to be with its parents. Mother goes all gaga trying to hide from Frank the fact that the baby is there, but he catches on. At the same time, the normal son shows back up. This music seriously sounds like Taxi Driver demos, and they’re really dragging the shit out of this movie. I still haven’t asked for that raise at work, but I think I’m going to make my approach this week. Frank finds the baby, shoots it several times, and manages pisses it off enough that it kills The Robe Guy who just happened to walk into the house.
Then (probably because writer/director/producer had a brother-in-law who worked in the sewers) there’s a 3-hour-long chase scene through the sewers where Frank suddenly falls in love with the child and runs from the cops. Then he emerges, throws the baby at the detective, and everyone shoots it. As Frank and his wife are escorted home, the other detective delivers the sequel inducing, “There was just one born in Seattle” line. It’s supposed to be a big deal that Rick Baker (Star Wars) did special effects on this, but it’s not really something to be proud of since you see the baby for about three seconds.
Poster and Box Art: The poster pictured above is not the original theatrical poster, but it’s the poster/box art most of us will recall. Around 1976 and shortly after It Lives Again was completed, It’s Alive was re-released into theaters and given a similarly designed poster so that the sequel would be instantly recognizable. It worked, too. The carriage image still stands as a very iconic poster image of the late 70s and was used on both subsequent films in the series.
Here’s the original theatrical poster from 1973. Yeah, not much to going on here, unless you’re really into bubbly letters that look all anthropomorphic. A similar image was used for the foreign version:
Screaming ladies were big in the late 60s, but by the early 70s they were falling out of favor. If I had to guess, I would say this poster was from 1965. It looks like some early sci-fi shit. The producers were right to re-brand the fucking movie when the sequel came out.
There’s also this early version of the poster from when it made its drive-in run around 1974. You can see they were making progress marketing the movie, and this is obviously where the idea for the successful 1976 poster came from.
Availability: It’s Alive is available on a nice DVD. More than likely this is because the movie is the subject of a soon to be completed, and surely dreadful, Hollywood remake. Aren’t you excited? And, if you want a real bargain, the entire trilogy is available on this one bargain price DVD. Oh, and if you’re in need of a Halloween costume:
IT LIVES AGAIN (1979)
Theme Song: Now things don’t get any better for Hermann’s legacy with this sequel. I’m 90% certain the exact same Bernard Hermann soundtrack from the original was recycled for this movie. I’m not even certain they got permission from his estate to do so. This guy was undeniably monumental with regard to his impact on film music, but he sure fell hard. Everyone raping the shit out of his last output didn’t help. Look I know you liked the Taxi Driver soundtrack. I get it, you’re open minded. I’m allowed to have an opinion and I didn’t like it. I really like the soundtrack work he did in Psycho though, regardless of how played out it is, didn’t you? He was so well-regarded for his contributions that Hitchcock, a notorious control freak, even let Herrmann have a decision in where and when music is used in a scene. It was Herrmann’s choice to have no music in the build-up moments to the shower scene in Psycho. Isn’t that an interesting factoid? Whoever gave him control over the last 6 years of his life seriously fucked up though. Dude should have retired and lived large somewhere fancy like Kenosha.
Interesting Dated References: More discontinued crayon colors, some type of bizarre attack on vegan/vegetarian living that made no sense.
Best Line: Whatever was the last line right before the credits rolled.
Social Context: Man, I accidentally stumbled upon some shitty website where some (more than likely) fat fuck reviews movies. I was going to link to them, but they’re really too fucking terrible to even make fun of. The guy is going on and on using funny compound words he made up. Then he talks about his wife and how funny she is when she was watching the movie and how “They should move to Hollywood and write for The Simpsons.” You know who thinks that The Simpsons is funny? Fucking stupid people, that’s who. People like the stupid fuck with the movie review website who ingratiate themselves to their spouse because they’ve only been laid once. These are the same people who go to “conventions” and frequent “message boards” and surround themselves with equally as mediocre people hoisting up each others egos with all their might. Even worse, the guy was going to Blockbuster to rent his movies, then he was complaining about selection and starts name-dropping some independent video store his friend told him about. The link to his friends site was filled with Star Wars references and Aqua Teen Hunger Force images. This fucking guy’s website makes me want to stop this stupid blog right now. Just to clarify, this isn’t that place where you come to read hilarious anecdotes about a funny hairstyle in a movie or laugh at a bunch of Family Guy references. If you watch shit like that, leave my website right now. No really, I’m not kidding. You’re out of shape. You kiss everyone’s ass all the time. This is not for you. You make me want to kill myself.
Summary: So I don’t know how things go at your house, but when I have a party, I usually know everyone who shows up. If I feel I don’t know someone, I’ll introduce myself. Well, in the land of It Lives Again, if a stranger shows up to your baby shower, you wait until after the party ends, once everyone else has gone, to ask the guy who he is.
Naturally, that person is Frank Davis (John P. Ryan reprising his role from It’s Alive). He tells the lovely young couple with the shag carpet that resembles stone that their baby is a mutant-child, much like his was. Because Frank is some type of celebrity, they instantly believe his story and both recognize him from the news. Also of note, it appears the same color scheme from It’s Alive> will be used for this film, as well.
The father of said soon-to-be mutant-child, Eugene Scott, is played by none other than Frederic Forrest (Chef from Apocalypse Now, or the white power military nut from Falling Down, depending which way you vote). So, Davis informs the parents-to-be that they are under surveillance and that the government plans on killing their baby. He offers them the services of some kooky scientist friend of his who will deliver the baby and keep it alive so they can study it. Convenient to the plot, the expectant mother goes into birth that night, just as the mobile mad scientist lab arrives at Frank’s hotel room. Of course, Frank misses the phone call from Mr. Scott, and they instead decide to go to the hospital where the mother-to-be is separated from the husband. There are police everywhere at the hospital, and Frank sneaks in by holding a clipboard and acting like a doctor.
I should mention the cop in charge is none other than OG John Marley, who is determined to kill the baby, and for some reason he’s allowed into the delivery room with a gun. Oh, and look at this:
There are 20 fucking people in the labor room staring at this lady’s pussy. She’s just all on display and doesn’t even notice all of them, or at least not for a few minutes, at which time OG Marley chases them out. Frank barges in and holds a gun on Marley as he and the husband push Mrs. Scott outside and into the awaiting truck/mobile-baby-having vehicle. Shit you not, there are like 40 cops all over outside the hospital.
In the mobile delivery unit, the baby is born as Frank forces Marley to drive. Somewhere along the way, the baby, the doctor, and the baby daddy escape and get in a different car. When the truck is finally blocked in by police, Frank is arrested, but quickly released.
The preferred method of mutant-baby transport is boogie van. So the doctor, the baby daddy, and the baby all arrive at the hi-tech research facility. Meanwhile, back in La La Land, Mrs. Scott gets a phone call on a payphone while standing in a grocery store parking lot. I don’t mean she randomly answers the phone, I mean, she’s standing in a parking lot and someone runs up to her and says, “Mrs. So-and-so, you have a phone call on the payphone.” I need someone to verify if this sort of shit ever used to happen.
Okay, it’s not that this movie is any worse than the first one, it’s just too damn predictable and boring. So Mrs. Scott has some people take her to the research facility.
Mustard carpet, Frank drinks, Mrs. Scott bickers with her husband, he goes for a swim, babies escape, cops invade, Frank goes running off with baby in his arms (deja vu), but then the baby kills him. After this seemingly eventful/symbolic moment, the police lock the Scott’s into some vacation home. Eventually their baby finds them there.
Then the police decide to cover the house in an inconspicuous tarp so they can gas everyone, but ultimately decide to rescue the couple, and somewhere in there, Marley got semi-attacked by the baby and the dad shoots the kid a bunch.
The closing scene has Mr. Scott standing on the street corner confronting a young couple about their baby. Wow, man, full circle far-out. I can’t get over how much the box for this movie touts the special effects of Rick Baker, yet you never once get a very clear view of the baby that isn’t an extreme close-up or is very obviously a puppet. In fact, that Halloween costume puppet they sell is probably made from the same mold they used in the movie. Actually, it looks better.
Poster and Box Art: The poster for It Lives Again is excellent. Minimal with an excellent drawing as the main focus. I remember seeing this poster for years and always thinking it looked cool. Of course, that was right before my Grandma forced me to rent
This poster was designed to coincide with the re-release of the original movie. Again, it’s very effective and has become very iconic. Apparently all involved were so confused regarding the title that they renamed the movie It’s Alive 2 for this poster. Both posters get a thumbs up though.
There was also this foreign poster but I can’t think of much to say about it.
Availability: Readily available on DVD as a triple pack with It’s Alive and It’s Alive 3. No, I won’t be reviewing that one because it didn’t come out until 1987 and, as we all know, the Betamax heyday was almost over by then. So you’re on your own for that one. Enjoy though, you’re worth it.
TINA TURNER - VIDEO 45 (1984)
Theme Song: Four glorious music videos; see below.
Interesting Dated References: Tina Turner’s success. An attempt at creating a new music format (the video 45), which was ill-advised for a few reasons covered in the Social Context section.
Best Line: None. The best visual image however, is Tina Turner trying to act like a self-made woman who somehow had struggled to get where she is instead of what she actually did, sleeping with, then defaming the good name of Ike Turner.
Social Context: Why people were trying to come up with new music formats is a question that has one simple answer: Money. And so we get the ill-fatted and ill-advised “Video 45.” Why was it so terrible? A few reasons, the first being kids were already getting videos for free from MTV. Yes, there was a cable bill, but that didn’t really factor in. The second reason is only bands on Sony’s music label roster had releases in this format and the results were just another example of how Sony fucked up the entire Betamax line. No lessons were learned here, though, because I recall that once buying DVDs became acceptable with the mass public, they tried this same thing yet again (I think it was around 2000). Of course, now that video downloads have become acceptable, it’s once again trying to catch on. And I’m sure they will try it again with Blu-Ray. Come on everybody, it’s Video 45 fever. Catch it!
Summary: After Tina Turner’s looks hit the wall, Ike Turner got rid of her. He did this because he was a good business man and very smart. Tina then hired herself a new manager and embarked on one of the most ridiculous smear campaigns ever, going so far as to base her entire solo career around her escape from Ike. Now those of us with some smarts knew exactly what was going on, but there’s no denying she somehow boosted her talentless self into superstardom. But really, it was all thanks to Ike.
As evidence of how little talent and taste Tina had, we have this Video 45, which starts out with “What’s Love Got To Do With It.” Not the terrible movie that needed to be named after a hit song in order to interest people to see it, but the actual video for the song. Now, I know you saw this video when you were growing up, but somehow I think you forgot about:
This guy. If you hadn’t forgotten about him, you’d be mentioning him more often at your shitty parties that you go to. And what’s up with those stupid parties anyway? Did I mention you suck? I just checked, you do. And stop taking fucking pictures all the time. No one likes your photographs and we don’t think they are artistically framed and, really, how many pictures does one need of trees in the winter? Jesus. And I know you think that you’re hot fucking shit and “living the life,” but most everyone is laughing at you behind your back. One day, years from now, it will hit you like a fucking car. You’re alone, You’re going to die alone. Your life as you lived it was a complete waste and when you are gone you will have left no artistic contributions to the world. At best there will be photos of you in various places stored on various forms of media. Old friends will see these pictures and be fairly disgusted. You think you’re achieving so much, but even the people you are with now will leave you behind. Seriously, stop thinking so highly of yourself. And fuck whatever new hip borough/neighborhood you live in.
So anyway, that guy has some type of mohawk-mullet hybrid going on and he and his friends swarm around Tina as she walks the streets of New York. Perhaps she’s reenacting the time Ike discovered her. It is also very clear Tina is uncomfortable in the high heels she is wearing.
Then she walks the streets some more, forcing pastel-laden couples to make up with each other. Then the video ends. Back in the day this was the point you would get really excited thinking Weird Al’s Eat It video would come on, but every time it did, you were at your cousin’s place and he never wanted to watch it because he thought it was stupid.
The next video on the tape is for “Better Be Good To Me,” which is just some fake-ass concert footage and neon lights. No really, it’s boring as fuck, or at least it was until this white version of Ike Turner shows up on stage and pushes Tina around.
She gives him the what-for and then everyone mugs at the camera a bunch. Man, judging by the number of band members on stage, she thought she was fucking Bruce
Springsteen or some shit. Next up is “Let’s Stay Together,” which is a cover of that other old song that was actually good. Here we see Tina doesn’t even have enough original material to fill up one Video 45. Big surprise. In fact, I bet she was wishing she hadn’t bad-mouthed Ike so much because she eliminated virtually her entire back catalog. This video also blows, and just features a ton of close-ups and ridiculously stupid 1980s set design.
The last selection (ha) is “Private Dancer.” Perhaps the only Turner song that still retains any pop culture relevance or humor. When I say humor, I mean you can name-drop it in front of a bunch of people with stupid senses of humor and they will laugh. Then they will say, “Oh I remember that, therefore it’s funny.” Then some girl will give you a shitty blowjob.
So Tina walks around a bunch of different rooms and a bunch of guys who look like 1980’s David Bowie try to woo her. Holy crap, I never realized how terrible these lyrics are. Never mind what I said about this song still being somewhat funny, I was wrong. Then there’s a sax solo. Oh great.
This fucking sax solo is the entire goddamn song. I really don’t remember this. Then the video ends. Why the fuck am I doing a Tina Turner double feature? This tape has a video rental code sticker on it. Can you imagine actually renting this and trying to act satisfied when you returned it? Life sucked back then. Thank goodness music (in all its forms) is free nowadays.
Poster and Box Art: I have too much respect for you to waste your time like this.
Availability: Amazon (who recently lost an order of mine and claim they are going to replace it really fast and free of charge) has a few for as low as 14 cents!
THE IKE AND TINA TURNER SHOW (1986 via 1971)
Theme Song: A bunch of songs from a few different Ike & Tina albums. If you are a fan you know them well and will find nothing new here.
Interesting Dated References: Well, this release had one sole purpose: To cash in on Tina Turner’s mid-80s success. There is no doubt in anyone’s mind Tina from the mid-80s and Tina from the 70s are two totally different things. First off, Tina from the 70s had Ike, and therefore, was good. Tina from the 80s only had stories about Ike, therefore she was no good. And her fucking hair was stupid. I’ve been so tired of that hair since well before Thunderdome.
Best Line: Anything Ike says during the backstage footage. The man can say whatever he wants and it both sounds good and makes sense.
Social Context: Again, most of the social context here lies in the fact Tina Turner was so attached to Ike, that even when she rebelled against him, even third-rate video companies knew they could use old footage to cash-in. What a cunt. “Yeah, it doesn’t matter if he’s in it, we can release it because all she does anyway is talk about him. Poor guy.”
Summary: Now we’re not going to argue. Ike Turner with Tina was a good combo. All of the musicians in the Ike Turner Revue were excellent, The Ikettes were excellent, and Tina, when she wasn’t complaining about some shit or running her mouth, was good. This was filmed at their height in 1971 in Caesar’s Palace. Of course the fucking camera spends almost the entire time on Tina. As a result, we miss seeing one of the tightest rhythm sections work their magic so Tina can shake her ass. The tape starts right out with a version of Sweet Soul Music, then (luckily) it goes into backstage footage of Tina and Ike talking to the camera. Of course Ike talks about the album and the sound and the music and how much he wants the crowd to enjoy the show. He cares, he was a true showman.
But Tina, she talks about herself. Hey Tina, who bought you those flowers behind your head even though you already had a kid with his bass player? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Watch Ike roll his eyes around the 34-second mark for a laugh.
So a few more songs happen including Honky Tonk Woman, and The Ikettes (sans Tina on stage) do Everyday People. Still, the cameramen are stupid and all you see is Ike’s back as he jams with the drummer.
Seriously, every time he’s on camera, we see a shot of his back. That’s him circled. You know why he has his back to the camera? He’s a true musician, he’s not a delusional, attention-starved maniac like everyone else who ever had a band.
Ike tells it like it is. Okay, so then they do Proud Mary and a few others and the tape ends.
What do you want from me? Ike Turner was a hero. He was a real musician, he was real talent. He wasn’t a phony who cared about image. And you think your band is good? Your band sucks. Your fucking fan base is never going to grow any further than it has. Lets not forget that your prime is long gone. It’s over for you. You are nothing. Ike Turner, he was somebody, and that bitch tried to take it all away from him. National (dead) hero.
Poster and Box Art: Again, I have too much respect for you to waste your time like this. There’s an interesting font going on, but lets not spend too much time on it as I’m sure we both have better things to do.
Availability: eBay.
BETWEEN FRIENDS (1983)
Theme Song: Violins and piano used in the most nondescript way possible.
Interesting Dated References: Lots of wood grain and gaudy wallpaper, almost to the point of being excessive. Also, the careers of Elizabeth Taylor and Carol Burnett whom are lit in the softest ways possible. “Soft Lighting” is a term from the 80s and it means “Make this ugly chick look at least somewhat attractive by drowning out all of her features.” This technique was slowly phased out in the mid-90s but can still me seen almost hourly on the Lifetime movie channel. This technique of making ugly women more attractive has since been replaced with blown-out digital camera filters. For a good example of this, check out reality television, especially Pam Anderson’s new show.
Best Line: “Beautiful muff” with regard to an actual muff. An actual muff, you know, that you put your hand in. No, like the fuzzy thing that ye olde timey people used in the winter.
Social Context: Menopause, divorce, affairs, fur coats, losing your looks, fine wine, classical music, gray pubic hair, meeting younger men, and 30 other things you will never have to give a shit about because you are probably a guy. Well, except for the gray pubic hair thing, that’s a very real issue for all of us.
Summary: A lot of you took a vow to never forget September 11th, 2001. No one can easily forget the (possibly staged) events of that shocking day. But September 11th, the actual date, has been cursed well before that. It all started back on September 11th, 1983 when Between Friends premiered on HBO. The World Trade Center buildings weren’t the first damaged, smokey and structurally unsound twin towers of September 11th. No, 18 years previous Elizabeth Taylor and Carol Burnett stood tall on television screens across this great country. But the two lumbering giants couldn’t carry the weight and their careers collapsed. When it was over, we all wept, even that one eagle. When an actor or actress has a career peak, they get all high and mighty and always need to find that “perfect role.” As their career begins to fizzle, they inevitably decide to team up with another fading star for some type of misguided buddy-adventure. Van Damme and Rodman in Double Team, Campbell and Richards in Wild Things, Reeves and Swayze in Point Break and yes, Elizabeth Taylor and Carol Burnett in Between Friends. This duo of alleged skill got together to make a movie your grandma would love, if she weren’t dead. Although it’s not your fault, you still should have spent more time with her before she passed on. Feeling guilty or watching movies you think she may have enjoyed won’t help. Much like 9-11-01 predated terrorism, the 9-11-83 airing of Between Friends predated The Lifetime Network, a channel which this movie must have been show on at least once.
Taylor goes way out of character and plays a stuffy, old, rich broad who is going through a divorce. She meets Burnett, who also goes way out of character by playing a boring, mannish, divorcee. The two form a fucking boring friendship based on their individual feelings of a life wasted. You know, I’m sure all old people feel this way yet I don’t see many of them rushing out to make movies about it, excluding the Cocoon trilogy. I really can’t believe my life has come to this. My cousins are at the bar near my house having fun. They invited me out and everything! I lied and said I was going to work late. I should be paying bills, shipping packages, cleaning, really anything except watching Elizabeth Taylor and Carol Burnett be all catty.
So these two hens sit by a fire and talk about divorce and menopause for what seems like 30 minutes. I hope this movie ends with them both dying of some disease that makes them suffer. Oh gross: Sex scene between Burnett and some doctor in his office.
This is the 1983 equivalent of that second plane hitting the second tower (allegedly). This is when you said “Oh man, this is serious business.” Taylor is trying to sell her house which features a wood grain refrigerator and Burnett is her real estate agent. 
The wood grain fridge is pimp tight and on some other level shit. After banging the doctor some more and getting Taylor a retail job so she can “experience life,” Burnett really starts to whore it up with some other dudes. Jesus, another fucking sex scene. She’s really puttin’ in that work.
There’s a shit-ton of drinking in this movie. If this were a movie about dudes, people would say, “Oh man, they’re drunks,” but because it’s aging women people say, “Oh isn’t that sweet.” Yeah, sweet to watch a bunch of old slobs try to act upon their wasted lives. Taylor loses her job because of her drinking or some such nonsense that I’ve seen a bunch on Intervention.
Poster and Box Art: Soft pastel portraits, go figure. Since this was incapable of qualifying for theatrical release, it just gets that one Beta box.
Availability: Used on eBay. Never Forget.
LOVERS AND LIARS (1981)
Theme Song: For all the praise that Ennio Morricone gets, he sure did do a lot of shit. Case in point, the soundtrack to this movie (which can actually be downloaded here if you wish). Now I don’t know much about Morricone. I know people who think they’re smarter than me (and actually are) always talk about his riveting soundtrack work. But there was nothing really memorable about this soundtrack. Whatever, I’ll just assume the guy needed money. Nothing wrong with that.
Interesting Dated References: Traveling.
Best Line: I can’t tell if this was overdubbed or what, but there’s really nothing funny and/or interesting going on in this entire movie. In fact, there are not even any sexy outfits, and I don’t even like sexy outfits! There’s nothing making this movie in the least bit visually interesting.
Social Context: You know, you look at the box and all you see is that it involves Goldie Hawn, some handsome guy, and some type of crime caper, and all I can really think of is how the exact same thing is going on now only with her daughter playing the role. I guess it’s true, the more things change, the more they’ll still make the same stupid fucking movie about stupid shit no one cares about. Only now, there’s more Owen Wilson and Matthew McConaughey. Aren’t we so much luckier than people who were alive in 1983? They had to watch ethnically-mustachioed Giancarlo Giannini. He’s not even white! How terrible.
Summary: Our story begins with Giancarlo (we’ll call him “Foreign Guy”) randomly picking up the roommate of some broad he was banging. This roommate is Goldie Hawn (herein referred to as “Hawn”). They drive to Pisa and film some type of commercial. Foreign Guy is a manager or something, and Hawn is a wanabe actress. I should point out that Foreign Guy is actually a well-regarded actor, but I’m not going to spout a bunch of facts. You can go read about him yourself via the internet.
I’ve been trying to grow a moustache for twelve weeks now, and I still can’t get anywhere near the fullness and manliness of Foreign Guy’s mustache. I’m starting to think I should give up. Like him, I’m Italian. Typically that means I should be very emotionally unstable, like food, and have full facial hair. I really only got the first and second parts of that bloodline. After a bunch of driving, Foreign Guy tries to make out with a sleeping Hawn. Just like in real life, when I tried similar moves, it went terribly. They keep driving and talk about where they should go. There’s a giant, extremely cheesy car accident, and various other non-hilarious things. Throughout all of it, Foreign Guy rants and raves. It’s pretty good. He really hates Hawn and her American-icity. I think they call this sexual tension. I wouldn’t know because the only tension I’m familiar with is prehypertension.
Guess who isn’t practicing tonight? That’s right, the shitty heavy metal band down the block. I’m going to try to figure out if these guys have a MySpace page so that we can all begin making fun of them as a group. I think that would be way more enjoyable than just bitching about them alone. I bet they post all sorts of blogs about their band practice: TONIGHT WAS AWESOME!!!!!!!! Or something to that effect. Eventually Foreign Guy takes Hawn to some remote island where they gamble and flirt with each other. Foreign Guy is apparently on the run from something and I think it has to do with the fact that his dad just died, or maybe it’s because he is married.
The duo eventually rent some type of condo and spend their time making out. They visit a beach and talk a whole bunch more. I was in Europe once and I didn’t see anything like this.
I just saw a bunch weird toilets and shitty mattresses in a squat. So then Foreign Guy goes and deals with his dead dad and leaves Hawn all alone in the condo. She gets bored and goes on some type of date/dinner thing with some old broad. In the meantime, Foreign Guy deals with more family shit for a really long time. So much so in fact, I forget Hawn is even in the movie. At some point they have a fight over the phone and he goes to find her. This leads to one of those funny foreign car chases with all the tiny roads and vehicles. They go home and make love. The next day he goes to his father’s funeral. Hawn decides to go, too, which is trouble because Foreign guy’s wife is also at the funeral. A fight ensues and Hawn leaves. During the funeral, Foreign Guy has some type of fantasy dream about him and Hawn at the leaning tower of Pisa, as featured on the giant pile of half empty pizza boxes in your kitchen. Then the movie ends. So the difference between this movie and Fools Gold? Washboard abs.
Poster and Box Art: The US poster actually has one of those “slapstick 70s movie” posters that we all grew to love, then hate, then love again. it doesn’t really look like Goldie Hawn though. More like Goldie Hawn with a thyroid disorder. Thank god they invented computers to fix things like that.
This foreign poster makes it look like a 70s porno, but hey, they had to get people in the theatre somehow. I shouldn’t call that a foreign poster though since the movie is actually a foreign movie. Whatever.
Lovers & Liars has fallen into public domain somehow (because no one wants anything to do with it) and as a result there’s thirty million different dvd versions. They all suck, all that shit sucks, circle of shit.
Availability: Not only is it available on DVD, but you can pick and choose which cover version you want!
TEEN LUST (1979)
Theme Song: There are no music listings given, but a little research reveals the majority of the stock music used in Teen Lust was composed by Alan Tew, and included in this movie is his song “The Big One,” which would be renamed years later “The Big One (People’s Court Theme).” To say the least, this was a little bit disorienting.
Interesting Dated References: Boobs, promiscuity, James Hong’s career in film directing. His career in acting wasn’t over though as he recently had a prominent roll in Balls of Fury which was one of your favorite movies of the year. You also eagerly await the arrival of The Love Guru on special edition dvd.
Best Line: “I keep having dreams where I’m being raped, not just by men…”
Social Context: As I always say, 70s boob-sploitation has no social relevance whatsoever, although I suppose one could look at a boob-sploitation circa 1979 and compare it to one from 2006 and thereby draw specific parallels about how society is crumbling and why the world sucks now.
Summary: Usually when I’m at home watching a movie with “teen” in the title I’m not documenting the experience and sharing the details with everyone. For some reason Teen Lust was directed by James Hong, who you may remember from every single sitcom you’ve ever watched since as early as you can remember watching sitcoms. Seriously, look at the guy’s fucking resume. He’s was in Chinatown for those who are familiar with that film. I mean, I know I must have seen this guy a million times in my life, but something I didn’t know about James Hong is that in 1979 he directed the little-known teen sex comedy Teen Lust. This should be exciting, not only because it’s boob-sploitation, but because this movie has been marketed under so many different titles it’s bound to be a mess.
And the mess begins as such: A bunch of teenage girls, who look like they are 30, join the Police Explorers program for the summer. It looks like our main girl is going to be Kirsten Baker who is most famous for her nudity in Friday The 13th Part II. Her name is Carol and I think her friend’s name is Neely. Their first assignment is to demonstrate the heimlich maneuver in front of some old people. Laughs may have ensued. Back in some garage, Carol’s boyfriend Terry makes out with some chick named DeDe while some guy named Hotrod watches. Sticking with me? Don’t worry, it’s not important.
Terry shoves DeDe in a trunk and then takes Carol and her friend for a ride. Eventually they let her out and then the girls harass her about the contents of her purse, which include:
Contraceptive Foam. Whatever the fuck that is. If this was an actual product I’d be more confused than if it was some shit they made up for the movie. For some reason it gets a close-up shot. Although the budget for this seems really low, it doesn’t seem quite as low as Incoming Freshman, but not quite as much as Cherry Hill High. So Carol goes home, talks to her drunken mom who started a mattress on fire, talks to the retard kid from down the block, and sets a table for dinner.
It’s common knowledge dark woodgrain and gold do not go with blue and light blue. The main performer of note here is Carol’s dad who is played by Stan Kamber, who didn’t really do anything else I recognize, but I swear somehow he looks familiar. Actually, that’s probably because he’s drinking Budweiser and talking about war. He must remind me of the relationship between me and my dad.
Okay, so Neely starts banging her police instructor while Carol just flirts with her instructor. There are a few other characters bumbling around (Fat Chick, Retard Kid, etc.), but it’s nothing worth mentioning. Somewhere else in here, Terry and Hotrod sneak into Carol’s house dressed as women and they proceed to party. Then there’s a bunch of cuddling under a pretty disorienting blanket:
More boobs, more stupid fucking pratfalls, more puns, and more hilarious misunderstandings. Can you believe this was actually a genre? I mean, even dignifying it by calling it a genre then infers there are people who seek out and collect these things. I think it’s mostly perverted old men who get fixated on certain chicks they saw on sitcoms in the 80s. They have to seek out the movies they showed their boobs in.
Hotrod and Neely buy weed from a 5 year old kid. I guess that was pretty funny. Things get really surreal when Carol and Terry are making out in a car that a bunch of little kids attack:
Note how Carol looks around all confused when the theme to The People’s Court starts playing. That’s the same look I had on my face when I heard it. Considering that show didn’t start until 1981, it would seem The People’s Court got their theme from Teen Lust. Carol goes on to talk to her preacher, fight with her mom, and run a prostitution sting.
I don’t know what kind of car this is but it’s pretty sweet and is driven by one of the johns who try to pick her up during the prostitution sting. After a while, Carol agrees to get married to the retarded kid who has a million dollars and the wedding turns into some type of slapstick romp in which the cops steal Carol, the retard sprays everyone with champagne, and Hotrod and Neely get together. They must have gotten together in real life as their movie careers essentially ended with this movie.
Poster and Box Art: Teen Lust was marketed under lo less than 6 different names. I figured I’d at least be able to track down a few of them but all I was able to find was the following.
An excellent poster, but it certainly looks exactly like many of the porno posters of the late 70s. And as with most of these posters, the chicks pictured aren’t even in the movie. I still like it though. It’s got that certain something.
Now here’s where things get really interesting, at the top of this post I showed the Teen Lust Betamax box cover from when it was issued on home video (1985). Below is the original poster from when it was released in 1979:
You’re probably thinking to yourself, “Okay, they look similar, but one is in color and one is in black and white.” Sure, I’ll give you that, but I’m talking about something much deeper here. These two pieces of art encompass everything that went wrong in the world between 1979 and 1985. The seventies were the creative and aesthetic peak of society. By 1985 things had gone to shit and here in front of us we have proof. As I review the differences, think about how someone had to make a decision to change these things. Someone said, “Let’s make it shittier and not as good.”
First off, the font choice. In the 70s, when you needed a logo you hired an artist to use his actual hands to design one. It was called drawing letterforms, and it’s flown the fucking coop. And don’t kid yourself and try to act like hand-drawn type is making a comeback. You can take your fucking Juno soundtrack and Napolena Dynamite poster and go squat with the rest of the fucking indie movie bullshit designers. I’m not talking about type that looks “quirky” and hand-drawn, I’m talking about type that is done by hand, smooth, and custom as fuck. Look at the subtle difference in the E’s on the 1979 version. Pure, hand-drawn, genius. Now look at the shit heap Apple II generated type on the 1985 version. It sucks.
Next up, let’s talk about technique. The 1979 version is done with paint, which requires time and skill. The result is detail and texture. By 1985, every asshole with a garage was airbrushing shit for their friends. They forgot one thing, though, which is there’s only like five people in the world who are really good at the airbrush, and one of them wasn’t the guy who did this cover. Look at that shit on the right. Bland, textureless, terrible. Enough about craftsmanship, let’s take a look at what went wrong with society:
Look at how much better hair was in 1979. Flowing, soft, and most of all, fairly natural. Here we have fucking 1985 perm central bullshit. Yeah, I like it when girls have the same hairstyle as 65-year-old women. Way to go 1985.
Clearly the 70s were a time of aesthetic and natural beauty. Women were encouraged to be themselves, and breast shapes of all sizes were encouraged. It was great. 70s chicks are all hot because they are all different. As you can see, our 1985 lady has quite the fuller chest. Somewhere along the way a bunch of people decided giant fucking floppy big boobs were the thing. Miami Vice could be blamed for it, I guess. You know who likes giant boobs? Children, well, babies.
Furthermore, in addition to society’s fixation with giant boobs, the sense of style went right down the fucking toilet. Short shorts are where it was at and always will be. Hey 1985, no one wants a tight piece of spandex severing a buttcheek in half. 1985, you should be ashamed. 1979, looking good as always. There you have it people. All sense of style, aesthetic, and natural warmth disappeared from the world sometime in the early 80s, and this is the artwork that proves it.
Availability: Used VHS on eBay.